he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
