Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
