I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
