he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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