That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
