We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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