you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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