why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My ass is underappreciated
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
