Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We got so high we made milksteak
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize