fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
