just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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