Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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