Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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