This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
