why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
