our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
