your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
