why didn't you poke me back
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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