Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
