My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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