Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
