you traded sex for a burrito?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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