I accidentally had phone sex last night
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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