What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
