just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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