I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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