How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
