I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Randomize
