If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
