my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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