3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
