She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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