Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
