Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
