I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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