i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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