I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
