Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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