I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize