I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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