he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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