wake up i wanna do it froggy style
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize