i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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