I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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