So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
