How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
