u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
