She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I wear drunk well.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
