is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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