Just cropdusted the office
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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