I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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