My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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