I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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