Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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