we're chasing vodka with high fives
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
