Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
