i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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