Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
