Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
