i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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