I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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