i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
