Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
